Post #11
or maybe I am naive, or maybe I project what was instilled in me as I was growing up. Any way I look at it I am still in bewilderment about this.
As aforementioned in a previous post I ranted about online guys constantly being driven by sexual thoughts and openly asking me provocative questions or stating sexual comments. I again found myself in a similar conversation today and now I am really wondering if it is perhaps me that needs to change my belief and value system.
Growing up my mom spoke pretty negatively about sex and sexual intercourse and always made petting and cuddling the thing that she enjoyed most. As children we absorb what our parents teach us and in some ways we take these messages and later incorporate them into what we experience as we get older. Sex was never something that my family openly talked about and perhaps is the reason for my heightened curiousity as a young teen. I was very secretive with my sex life because I felt that if my mom found out she would be very disappointed and this thought would have shattered me. I was also taught as a young girl getting into the so-called ‘dating’ scene that guys for the most part are only out to have sex with me. This lovely comment was said to me by my dad numerous times and for some weird reason I always had an image come to mind of him trying to sleep with and seduce my mom….gross! lol
Looking back on what my dad said, he was ultimately right. If sex didn’t happen with a boyfriend, then something sexual definitely did until sex eventually came along. I never analyzed it before but with the conversations I have had lately, I am beginning to see a pattern. Now before going further I would like to clarify that I do not think of sex as a bad or negative thing. I just think it has its own time and place to be discussed and to be played out. I do not want sex to be the main topic of a conversation and I don’t want it to be expected from me within the first few dates. I am in control of me and I say when it will happen, if and when I am ready. I don’t feel I should be pushed or manipulated into sex or any sort of sexual contact. This could include a kiss as this could either initiate thoughts of something more happening or could lead me into a situation I do not care to be in. Ultimately, it should not be THE reason that someone wants to get to know me. However, recently I feel like this is not the case.
My emotions are discombobulated because it is bringing up feelings and thoughts from my past that I do not wish to remember. I really feel though that I am so strong on this because I have known and gone through what it is like to be a sexual conquest, a sexual toy, feeling used and discarded, experiencing unwanted public sexual touching and groping. These are all unacceptable behaviours and women should not be subjected to feel like it is our DUTY to sexually satisfy any man in any way, shape or form that he sees fit. The conversations I have had lately make me feel like men only want someone to fulfill them sexually.
Am I naive in believing that there are men out there who are not solely driven by the idea that woman are here to fulfill their intimate needs? Or have I just had my head in the sand and women do believe in this and are freely open about it? I guess I am just looking for someone who wants something more then that. Something that can be built upon. Intimacy is a very important part of any relationship but intimacy does not mean just sex. It encompasses so many emotions, feelings and thoughts, but then again I am looking at it from a woman’s perspective and not from a man. There must really be a big difference.
Thinking now, I have never been with any male who doesn’t see SEX as the main thing in a relationship. I was out with two guy friends the other weekend and both of them said that if they got more booty from their partners they would be happier which would lead them to limiting their time doing other things, for example, spending less time at work and thus spending more time with her (in bed). But why would the increase in the act of sex alone make both these males rethink some things? Why does sex entice men to act a certain way, like being romantic for example, because in the end he hopes he’ll get fulfilled. I have had many men tell me that they don’t enjoy being romantic but they do it because a) they know she wants it and b) they hope in return they will get some tail. They don’t do it because they want to. Unfortunately though, being romantic and what that entails carries many connotations attached to it. I however have my own ideas of what being romantic means, perhaps that will be another post.
I just don’t get it. Should I get it? But I ask myself, would I rather find out from the get go that he is really only interested in sex than spend many hours talking to him only finding out later that it was the only thing he was looking for? Good question. I guess I would really like to say that I would like the topic of sex to go unspoken and his agenda not be so bluntly obvious, but in the long run I would definitely like to know what he wants and what he expects from the beginning. This would save me a lot of time however my continual feeling of disappointment would continue.
With that being said, I don’t think I need to change anything. I love the fact that I have values and beliefs that keep me safe. If sex is what they want then they can contact someone who will give them just that. I feel being an intelligent, educated woman that I do not have to sell myself short just to feel less alone. With that being said then, I guess I will just have to continue reading sexual comments and propositions until I come across a man who can show me otherwise. To that I say, good fucking luck 
Until next time,
‘Life – It Is What It Is’
~ Purplehaze81 ~
Ok… So there may be a lot of rambling in my post but I’m going to try to be as clear as I can.
First some clarification on my part on behalf of the two guys you were out with . Really for us it comes down to this. We both work in an environment where we’re always on, and we’re dealing with a lot of people who don’t make it easy to do our jobs. So outside of the place where we spend one to two thirds of our life we need some sort of fun in our lives.
Sex for most people ends up being a source of contentment and fun. The less you get, the more you want if you have the knowledge of how good it could be. In our cases I think we were trying to communicate that if there was an option to have sex be more a part of our lives, we would definitely adjust our way of life to accommodate. It’s not because SEX is the only or main thing on our minds, its rather because with the way that we live life right now, and the amount of stress that seems to be coming at us from every which way, sex is an athletic way for Men to work out aggression and feel good while doing it. That and personally I enjoy making my partner feel on top of the world as much as possible. If it ends up that our partners might be available for the act, then by all means I’d be the first to adjust my schedule to accommodate.
The Male brain is all about utility. More specifically what will get us to our goal the quickest. Male animals are programmed to “pollinate” as many flowers as possible to keep the blood line going. For some, they don’t care how, when or where the subject comes up, but if there is an opportunity, they’re programmed to take it. There are some of us men who really don’t have the time to get into it, because we’re too concerned with where the next $$ is going to come from. Finally there are some of us who actually like the art of Romance, and take the time to conduct appropriate research to make sure that we cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s where that is concerned. I understand what you said about us not wanting to be all that romantic, but there’s another dynamic where that comes in as well. It’s called the expectant woman.
The expectant woman is one that expects her man to be the one in shining armor who can never do anything wrong. Fine… mayhaps I’m exaggerating a little. But one who expects her man to be romantic will be sadly disappointed. I’ve talked to many men who have a sixth sense and automatic reaction for when something like that is taking place. Personally, I have like doing things that make others smile, but I will do it less and less when I know that my actions have become expected. Why? I’m not so sure. I like the element of surprise. I like the look on the female face when we as males have done something to make the female feel special. Personally I get no better feeling when I know that I have done good with anyone that I am doing something for.
Ok So now that I’ve said that much let me get to the core… The internet is a bad benchmark for how men work. The net has always been a source for good porn when ever we men and sometimes women need it. Everything marketed to us these days has an element of sex in it. For most men, the internet is a source of information and gratification. The fact that you’re looking to have a conversation with a man online is no help to this. Unless you’re filling his mind with useful information that can benefit him or his bottom line, then you fall into the second category of gratification. More specifically, they like to hear themselves be praised, or they like the cat and mouse games where they come out on top. I know… unfortunate, but this is what the information highway has done for men. Given them the opportunity to get anything they want within seconds. Social conversations over the net typically break down in the same fashion. Unless you’re talking about something that is of academics, then you’re going to be talking about sex, sports, music, politics or any other topic that can be debated and won. Hell… I was just thinking that regardless of the web or real life, isn’t it all pretty much the same?
LOL we’re all apes aren’t we?
Hope this clears it all up a little.