Post #22

I wrote a post yesterday (which I deleted) that indicated that I was going to come back and begin writing again. I mentioned that it would happen but I didn’t indicate when as I truly thought that it would take me a bit to decide what I would write about. Well as I laid in bed last night I began to think about all the different things that have happened in my life since I last made a post (April) and I decided that I do have quite a few things to discuss. With that being said, I am back to tell you more…

So where to start? I am going to take you back to May 2008 but first I need to preface this post with a little background.

If I have posted about this before I apologize but for this post it is important for me to briefly mention my break up with my ex last October 2007.

It had been coming for quite some time but I never felt I was at a point in the relationship were I truly wanted to let go and get out. I was comfortable, it was convenient and I really didn’t want to move back in with my parents. Although the feelings for my ex who I will call Mr. P H had been wavering for a few months I couldn’t decide what I was really feeling for him. When I really started to question whether I wanted to continue in the relationship we had been together almost five years. We had lived common law for four years. I would say that I came to know Mr. PH well. However, the last three of the five years should have told me something as I never felt right in the relationship but continued to stay. Now, I am not going to get into all the details as I don’t see it being necessary but when it ended I felt relief. I moved back home with my parents and set out on a venture to find myself a new home. Now that is a whole other post which I will get to. Back to this post…

When I realized that I no longer was in love with Mr. PH I knew that I had to leave, for it was unfair for the both of us to continue if this was missing. So I told him. His response was typical as he said that he felt the same way and whether he did or not, I honestly didn’t care. We were done and I moved out 2 weeks later. Now, the good part at this point was that we parted on good terms…we remained friends. I was glad about this and hoped for this because we had two cats that had lived with us for the four years that we were common law. I loved D&D very much and grieved them when I knew I would no longer be living there….I think that was the hardest part for me during this time. However, due to the nature of our breakup I was able to see the boys (D&D) whenever I wanted and things between Mr. PH and myself were good. We would talk every now and then via email, I would visit the boys when I could and life went on.

Fast forward a few months now to May 2008…

I received an email from Mr. PH stating that he was going out of town for a night and he asked if I would look in on the boys when I got out of work. I agreed to do this. The next morning the phone rang at 8:20ish am. I was scheduled to work that day at 12 pm so I was asleep in my bed when the call came. My mom knocked on my door and entered stating that the phone was for me. Sleepy and not awake I took the phone and said ‘hello?”. A familiar voice was on the other line and it was a woman…Mr. PH’s mom. She said who it was and that Mr. PH is not well and that I need to come and pick up the boys. Since my brain was still sleeping I had no real clue what she was talking about. I said ok and hung up. I got out of bed and started thinking about what just happened and how I would get the boys out of the apartment as there were no cages at Mr. PH’s place. Now, when I thought about it more objectively my first thought was that Mr. PH was not well due to some health concerns that he has. I figured that he had gone to his mom’s house for whatever reason and might be staying there for a bit so I needed to take care of the cats for a while. Anyways, I went downstairs and asked my mom to assist me in getting the cats. She agreed.

Driving over to my old place, I kept wondering what happened and if he was okay. I still had keys to the place so I went and tried to unlock the door but it was already unlocked. I opened it and his mom came around the corner to greet me. A little startled yes but nothing huge…so, I thought, he is here. I had brought with me two cardboard boxes and some tape to put the boys into….this was going to be a challenge as neither one of them like small spaces (I don’t blame them…lol) So I give his mom a hug and she gives me a very vague explanation as to what was going on. I pretty much saw right through it. I looked around the place, it was pretty disgusting. The litter had not been changed in probably a week or so, there were garbage everywhere and the boys’ food had been piled up really high so that they wouldn’t run out. Now being in social services, I was pretty good at reading the signs. I passed by the bedroom and saw Mr. PH lying on the bed but I could only see his feet. His mom was pretty distraught and anxiously trying to get a hold of his doctor’s office. I eventually got both cats into their boxes and my mom helped me carry them down to my car. Driving out of the parking lot, I was pretty certain that my ex tried to commit suicide.

Suicide? Really? Would he be that stupid? Did he really try? These were all questions that came to my mind throughout the day. However, my suspicion that he tried to commit suicide was confirmed when his mom called me that evening to bring me up to speed as to what happened. Although she didn’t come out and say it, she indirectly said that he tried to kill himself and he was admitted into the hospital. The conversation was not very long. After I hung up the phone, I didn’t know what to feel. I was concerned about him and wanted him to be okay, but I wasn’t surprised that he had come to that point and that thought baffled me. His mom kept in touch with me for the entire time he was admitted and I appreciated that. We were supports for each other and I feel that she was thankful for that.

About 2 weeks after being admitted, I got a call from Mr. PH asking if I would come and visit him in the hospital as he said that he wanted to talk to me. I was hesitant at first but agreed to come. I showed up that evening after work not sure what the conversation would reveal. I met him and he wanted to eat so we went and sat down.

I got a glimpse of his wrist as it was marked. It was red and superficial looking, like a whole bunch of scratches, however the cuts were going the right way. I never mentioned it and he started talking…

He first began by stating that he didn’t want me to think that what had happened had anything to do with me. He said that his plan was for me to come over that night to check on the boys (I thought he was out of town) and I would find a note that was addressed to me and another note addressed to ‘the family’. He continued stating that my note would tell me not to open the bathroom door and to call 911. He indirectly told me that he wanted me to find him. Regardless of what someone tells you in a note, most if not all people would try to open the bathroom door. In my mind, I would have found him dead, and THAT was his plan! Yet, he said that it didn’t have anything to do with me. Continuing, he said that he wanted me to find him because he knew that I would then get the cats. Hmmm, I would hope I would get the cats anyway regardless of how it all went down. Anyways, after that lovely introduction, he starts going into what happened that lead him to that night.

I’m not going to get into all the details but let’s just say he spilled a lot and none of it was nice. He told me that he kept secrets from me throughout our entire relationship, I never asked what those secrets were but I later thought about it and came up with some ideas. He described to me the different activities that he had got into and thinking about it now, I am still wondering why he felt the need to tell me those things. Just before leaving, he said that when he gets out he will need a few days but will then want the boys back. My response was ‘just let me know’. We parted with a hug. I left the hospital and began digesting the conversation. I am very much the type of person who needs time to think about what happens and process the events before I feel the affects of whatever. Thinking about it now, I wish I had had the courage to have spat in his face.

When I thought about the conversation many hours and a couple days later, I came to realize how selfish Mr. PH really was. Going back to what I know about suicide, in most cases, suicide is a selfish act done by someone who wants to intentionally hurt those around them, because those left behind deal with the grief and loss. Now as I mentioned a couple times in this post, I lived with and dated Mr. PH for over 5 years and I think I know the type of person he is, if he wanted to commit suicide he would. I don’t see him not being successful, which is not the best thought, but if he was going to do it, there would be no failing. And yet he did! Every time I go through the scenario I come to the same conclusion –> He didn’t want to kill himself, he just wanted attention, an audience to come to his rescue because he was feeling abandoned and alone…which he preferred but he always sought out the attention of others, and a lot of the time he got it.

SO now that I have come to this conclusion and truly believe that this is what happened, I am stuck as to how I feel about the whole thing and in particular how I feel towards Mr. PH. I won’t lie to you and say that it didn’t affect me, when deep down I was torn apart, I am still dealing with it. But nothing hurt more then when the middle of June came…

Now as I said earlier I took the boys to my parents to care for them while Mr. PH was in the hospital. During the two weeks he was there, it was so nice to have the boys to myself. I kept playing the events over and over in my head and every time I got sick to my stomach thinking about the environment that the cats were living in and would be going back to. I also thought about the mental state of Mr. PH and where it was when he thought that killing himself was a good idea. Although I never really thought about his mental state until the Friday afternoon when I received an email from Mr. PH stating that he was ready for the boys to come home as the place seemed empty without them. I had prepared myself all week as I had heard that he discharged himself from the hospital and went home. I had not spoken with him or communicated with him at all since our meeting at the hospital. I decided not to respond to his email and went home for the weekend.

I talked with my mom over the weekend about what I wanted to do and how I felt about giving the boys back. I was not pleased with the idea as I felt that there would be the potential of neglect considering his mental state and I had no idea where that was at the moment. Although I knew for a fact that he loved those cats, no one could guarantee me that they would be looked after in terms of their basic needs. I thought about the state of the apartment and how disgusted I was. Did I want my babies to go back to that? Hell No! The weekend to say the least was very draining. I went back and forth with different scenarios of what I felt would be the best solution. To me, the best solution was not to give them back.

Sunday night I wrote and rewrote my response to him. I knew he would be upset and probably livid but I felt I needed to let him know what I was thinking and that I had to be the one to consider what was best for the boys at that time. I finally wrote my response and felt that it accomplished what I wanted to say. I sent it…

Ten minutes later I get a phone call. My mom answers and hands me the phone. It is his mom and I can hear the concern in her voice. She asks if I sent Mr. PH an email about the cats and I indicated that I did. She said that she just got off the phone with him and he is VERY ANGRY as he believes that I am not giving back the cats. I responded to that and suddenly felt an uneasy feeling. She voiced her concern that my email may send him over the edge to the point of attempting again. I didn’t feel guilty at all as I felt that I had to be the parent to my boys and think about their best interest regardless of how other people felt or how others wanted things to go. But knowing Mr. PH as I do, I began to worry about my safety and my family’s safety. You see, at that moment I saw (in my mind’s eye), Mr. PH coming to my house with the intent to hurt me. Do I think he would try to do this? Yes. Would he succeed? Probably not. However, knowing that I was moving out on my own in a couple of months, I did not want to have this guy mad at me…and yes he did know where I was moving to and it was in walking distance from his house. Not a good situation. I had to make some decisions. Either I keep the cats and jeopardize my safety, or give them back and clean my slate of him. This was not an easy decision to make. Actually, it was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make to date.

I thought for a moment and called his mom back. I told her my suggestion (I would give back his cat and I would keep mine), she agreed and would pick the cat up the following evening. I hung up. I didn’t feel right with the decision but I knew that would hopefully satisfy him and he would not harass me in the future. I continued to think about the situation. I didn’t sleep well that night as I had multiple nightmares about my ex coming to my new place and lurking around. I awoke the next morning with a new decision.

As much as it pained me, as much as I hated it, I knew that the only way to sever all ties with him would be to give back both cats. Knowing that that was the decision I needed to make in order to feel safe I knew that I would never be able to see my two boys again. This was the price I had to pay.

I left that morning knowing that when I returned home that evening, my boys would be gone and out of my life forever.

It has been 4 months since I have seen them and I think about them all the time. When someone or something dies, although it is very painful, you know that they are were they are supposed to be and not on earth anymore and as hard as it is, you eventually move on. But knowing that that someone or that something is still out there, makes it that much harder to let go, because you hold on to the hope that you may see them again one day…I go through the pain of the loss every day…and I can only hope that my two boys are okay.

I love you D&D.

Until next time,

‘Life – It Is What It Is’

~ Purplehaze81 ~