Post #23

Part One…

My apologies for taking my sweet ass time in getting posts up on here.  The last while has not been the best for me as I have been dealing with some health issues.  However, since things are a little more under control now and my thoughts on this upcoming topic keep invading my mind, I knew I had to get it out and thus here I am again.

Now I need to forewarn you that this post and the one(s) following will be a bit lengthy as there is much history in this writing but I do hope to intrigue you throughout this so as not to lose your interest.  I have put this into parts.

My biggest dilemma is figuring out where to start.  I know most common responses would be ‘Why not start at the beginning?’ but I am having a little difficulty with that right now….I don’t know why. So I will start with this….

Have you ever been loved by someone so much that you felt like you were the ONLY person in their world?  Have you ever felt so protected when you were with someone that no matter what you forever felt safe?  Have you ever had someone gaze into your eyes and without words told you how much you meant to them?  Has someone ever made you feel  like you were the most beautiful person in the world and that no one else but you mattered?  I answer YES to all of the above.  These are just some of the ways I felt throughout the last 10 years of my life with him… and for the rest of this post he will be known as TF.

The prompting of this post tonight actually came from me finishing the book ‘Twilight’.  As I read about Bella and Edward it greatly affected me and reminded me so much of how TF was towards me and how much TF reminded me of Edward’s character…his gentleness and passion towards Bella to name only two.  If you read that last sentence carefully you would have noticed that I used the word “WAS“, which indicates that TF and I are no longer….connected.

The separation between us is still fresh even though it has been six months since we last spent time together.  I still deal with what has occurred daily and I think that is also a reason why it has taken me so long to write this.  My relationship with TF is VERY difficult to define and to explain what I mean by that could take a long time and much consideration and thinking on my part.  TF always had a better way of explaining somewhat of the kind of connection we had. We always said that most people would not understand and when we tried to explain it it never came out right but I think we both enjoyed the idea that it was really only he and I who really knew and understood it.   To clarify…TF and I were never together as a couple…correction…we dated for about two weeks in 2000….which I will get to in the next part, but we started out as close friends which grow into something even greater and even more fulfilling.

So let’s go back to 1998….the year I started working at McDonald’s (oh yes, I was one of those kids…lol)  It was the end of January and I was being trained on the different sections of the store.  As a new employee, your trainer takes on the role of introducing you to everyone as you are taken around.  I was lead by my trainer to the fry station where I was introduced to TF.  Our eyes connected and I smiled.  Never in my life have I ever felt so ‘weirded out’.  When TF looked at me for the first time, I literally saw his pupils dilate and I felt like he was trying to gather my whole being into one shot so he could remember it and take it with him wherever he went….it looked like he fell into the ‘love at first sight’ category…and his face told everyone.  I blushed.  My reaction towards him was not the same but he made me feel right at ease with his smile and ‘hello’.  That was the beginning….

Although a little blurry now with the details, needless to say it became apparent that TF was feeling something for me.  I didn’t reciprocate the feelings as I was dating someone else at the time however TF was always there for me as we began getting to know each other.  The next couple of months TF and I became friends and instantly connected. I felt a little awkward at times because I knew that he wanted to be a  little bit more than just friends and he eventually told me that he would love to have the chance to date me.  I tried diplomatically to convey my feelings to him and most of the time he respected my position and my feelings although he did make his disappointment known. The first true test of his friendship came that summer….

I was invited to attend a house party of a co-worker of mine (SM) and I took my bf with me.  I was driving at this time as I was just over 17 and we ended up staying over that night.  My bf played on the host’s little brother’s playstation for most of the evening.  As I drove my bf home the next day, he gathered his belongings out of my trunk and I noticed something out of the corner of my eye but I didn’t spend much time on the thought as he quickly pushed me away and told me to go home and call him later.  He closed the trunk quickly after I was back in the front seat.  A couple days later I was working at McD’s and one of the friend’s of the guy who hosted the party came into the store and walked straight to me.  I was completely taken aback when he asked me where the playstation was. Dumbfounded I said that I had no clue.  Now I am sure you are a smart cookie and can see where this is going…and you would be correct.  My bf at that time stole the playstation out of SM’s house, along with controllers and games and hid it in the trunk of my car.  How he did this…I still have no idea….I guess he did it while everyone was sleeping.  Now the thing that I saw in my trunk was indeed the playstation but at the time I never thought that my bf would go to such lengths as to do what he did.  The worst part about it was that SM and his friends believed that I assisted my bf in obtaining these items and was covering up for him.  It was a mess.  Work became very hard at that time as I worked with SM and all of the people who attended the house party.  The only person who believed me at first was TF. He was the only one I was able to confide in when my bf put me in this awful situation and TF helped me convince the others that I was not an accomplice.  It was rocky for a while and I ended up breaking it off with my bf .  This incident really made me see how much TF believed in who I was and how great it felt to have someone who unconditionally cared for me.  TF and I became closer.

1999….Prom. So being the stupid girl that I was…I took back the idiot who stole from my co-worker as he was an manipulative asshole and convinced me that he and I were supposed to be together.  Now of course believing that he would never hurt me again, we got back together.  TF was not at all happy about this and later came to tell me that he was quite jealous of my bf.  I had put money away in a jar in my room in order to purchase prom tickets for my bf and I (the bf was an unemployed druggie…thus I paid for everything…but of course I believed that I loved him) TF and I were talking daily and he would still be pretty open about how he was feeling towards me.  He was appalled when I called him one afternoon crying and told him that my bf had stolen the prom money from my room and that I couldn’t get the tickets. Again the details blurry but TF came shining through and gave me the money to buy two tickets to prom.  Again to clarify, TF is older than I by 1.5 years and we did not attend the same high school. As I was now a smarter cookie, I asked TF if he would accompany me to my prom and of course he said yes.  Funny how my bf went AWOL for a while but came back to me on hands and knees crying and when confronted denied that he took the money…even though he and I were the only ones who knew where I had put it.  Dumbass!   But still in love with him….argh it makes me mad. So TF was now my prom date and I was feeling good about that.  I was so touched by his gesture to purchase the tickets and he even told me that even if I didn’t invite him he would still get me the tickets so I could still go.  That truly moved me and told me of his character. So prom night approached and I was nervous and disappointed.  Disappointed because I was honestly hoping to ‘get it on’ with my bf on prom night but since my bf was a moron and he was not coming I knew that there would be no physical intimacy for me that night (what a bitch, I know).  I loved spending time with TF and loved who he was as a person but I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him and he knew that.  It made it uncomfortable sometimes and to be honest I felt bad.  So prom came…and the usual stuff happened…the limo, the pictures, the gathering of friends, the hotel after party…but three specific things stick out in my mind above all else that evening…

1) Before the festivities –> TF arrived at my home to meet me as my mom was driving us to a friend’s house were the limo was picking us all up.  He waited in the living room while I finished getting ready.  I took a final look at myself in the mirror when done and was quite satisfied with the end result.  I took a deep breath and headed down the stairs.  I carefully walked in my heels into the living room.  I stopped and I was facing him.  He slowly rose from the couch as he continued to stare mouth open.  I gave myself a mental high five because his facial expression told me that I must look good.  He never spoke a word, he just stared and smiled.  His eyes told me and they convinced me that I was gorgeous.  He has been the only person in my life who has ever been able to make me feel that I am beautiful and that he felt this way about me and in most cases he did this without the use of words.

2)  At the dinner/dance –> our first slow dance was to ‘lady in red’ and although I have to be honest and say that as I danced with TF I wished that my stupid ex bf hadn’t been so stupid as I could be there dancing with him, I was happy that TF was there.  While we danced, TF held me very close to him and sometimes would sing the words near my ear.  This is also the time he took to tell me how beautiful I looked and that no other girl in the room compared even remotely to my beauty.   He said that no other girl besides me existed in this room for him.  I would catch him throughout the evening just watching me as I went about the night with my fellow prom goers.  He would smile at me from across the room and watch me closely like a protector….this memory came flooding back when I was reading Twilight and how Edward was oblivious to every other girl but Bella and he kept his eyes on her at all times regardless of who was around and how he protected her from all harmful things.  Edward suddenly became TF to me.

3) The After Party –> We ended up sharing a room at the hotel with two other people b/c there was no need to spend the money on having a private room since I knew nothing was going to happen.  The after party began like most I would imagine: the drinking, the smoking, the running from room to room, but as people left my room it dwindled down to just TF and I.  I would still catch him staring at me which now became a comfort for me as I had an idea of what thoughts were going through his head as he was never able to hide them very well…lol. Eventually we ended up in the bed talking about the events of the evening.  He again reiterated how breathtaking I was this evening and then something happened.  Again the details blur but this next part is very vivid.  While we were alone in the hotel room in a bed together, TF turned to me and said “I Love You.”  I froze.  Now the questions I would ask if I were you would be…was he drinking and how much did he have to drink?….the answers…..yes and not very much.  The statement came out of his mouth without much alcohol on his breath and with such sincerity that it completely threw the thought that he was kidding out of my mind.  It completely caught me off guard.  He said it in a low voice but the voice was calm.  He said that he wasn’t looking for me to return that exact sentence and in fact stated that he believed that I didn’t feel that way at all about him but he said it because he wanted me to know how he truly felt about me. I think we had a conversation about this but I don’t quite remember.  The next morning I awoke to find TF watching me as he lay next to me in the bed.  He was leaning on his hand and against the headboard.  He commented that I smile while I sleep and that he loved to watch me.  Again Edward comes to mind as he watched Bella sleep every night and he made sure she was alright.  This was a comfort to Edward as it was apparently to TF so many years ago.

He made the night memorable.  He continued to give me what I needed and wanted.  He told me something I never expected to hear so soon.  He put himself completely out there knowing it wouldn’t be reciprocated.  He came through for me again.  He had become the knight in shining armour ready and willing to take me away…and although greatly appreciated in every aspect, he was still in my mind ONLY my good friend.