Post # 24
Please read New Friends… (Part One) before proceeding.
So my prince had arrived. Unfortunately as much as I knew he was everything that I wanted, there was something missing. From the first moment we meet, I knew what it was. It was that spark. That internal feeling of utopia that a person gets when the ‘one’ walks into a room. That captivating urge to be next to them at all times so you can inhale the smell of their skin. That burning desire to hold them close to you so as to embrace every piece of them and fall helplessly into a realm of euphoria. I didn’t feel that for TF. He was amazing, he was my great friend but I did not have romantic feelings for him. This was hard for me to understand as the kind of guy I always wanted and felt I deserved was right in front of me holding out his hand for me to take. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be attracted to him, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t convince myself to be. For a time I thought that perhaps those feelings could grow…eventually, and with that I attempted to give it a shot.
2000…I truly forget the mechanics of how it all went down but however it happened, I decided to try out a relationship with TF. I once and for all broke it off New Year’s Day with my ex bf, the same guy I wrote about previously and told him I no longer loved him. He left me alone after that. Once the connection with my ex was broken and I was free, I noticed that TF and I became closer and started communicating more. It was in February, I think around the beginning when our union began. We would talk daily for hours and every time we talked or we were together I felt this energy coming from him. I knew that I had given him his dream. That was a great feeling, but I still didn’t feel anything. He did all the right things that any girl would love to have her boyfriend do. He was open with his feelings, he shared stuff about himself, there was no holding back between us. It was so refreshing to have someone in my life for a change who I felt worshipped me and would do anything in their power to make me happy.
I remember our first kiss. He had picked me up at my house and we traveled back to where he was living at the time. We hung out in the living room and chatted about anything and everything. I remember sitting at the end of the couch with my feet up against my chest and he was sitting at the opposite end. He left and got us something to drink and came back into the room. I felt the energy in the room shift and I for some reason suddenly felt uncomfortable. I took the drink from his hand and sipped the cool beverage. He crossed in front of me and sat down beside me touching one side of my body with his. I immediately began to feel invaded but I knew he would never intentionally make me uneasy or move to quickly. I tried to pretend that I was fine but my heart was now racing in my chest as I had no clue what was happening. He leaned over and kissed me gently on the mouth. It was not a long kiss or a passionate kiss although the feeling behind his told me otherwise, but as I closed my eyes and kissed him back….I felt nothing.
We continued dating through the middle of February and we were going to celebrate Valentine’s Day as a couple. The scene was set. We had dinner at a nice restaurant and to be honest I don’t remember what I had bought him as a gift…if I had bought him a gift. Thinking back on this occasion, he left at one point during dinner and and returned shortly thereafter. We finished dinner and made our way out to his car where he opened the passenger door for me to get in. The only problem was that there was something red and big on my seat that was now in the way of me sitting down. I looked a little closer and focused my eyes and noticed that there on the seat was a heart shaped pillow with “I Love You” written in white lettering and a small square like wrapped box on top of it. I stopped breathing and looked up at TF who was smiling a very interesting smile. I being dumb asked him what that was and he motioned for me to get in the car. I picked up the tiny box and the pillow and sat in my seat. The door closed beside me and my heart began to pound. Holding the tiny box in my hand my mind immediately picuted a certain image in my mind but I silently doubted what I was thinking. Before long, he was sitting next to me. I held the pillow in my hand but I didn’t really know what to do and felt awkward. He asked me to open my present and I obeyed. Slowly with thoughts racing, I unwrapped the box and held it for a moment in my hand. I began to think about how I might react to whatever it is that is inside this box and that my reaction regardless would make him happy, I hoped. I took a deep breath and opened the box. I gasped and held my breath as my eyes focused on something sparkly and beautiful. I was stunned and in awe. Inside this box was indeed the first thing that I thought of when I saw the box. It was a ring. Yes, you read that correctly, a ring. It was gold with five diamonds set inside the band in a row. It was georgeous and I loved it, however was not sure what this meant. I took it out of the box and I slipped it onto my finger. It fit a little snug but it fit nonetheless. I cannot even begin to describe his facial expression. I put my hand out in front of us and starred at this ring. Thank You TF was all I could say.
About a week and a half later I broke it off with TF. I didn’t tell him the truth at first as to why I decided that it wasn’t working but I ended up dating someone else VERY quickly after I broke it off. Since I had so much respect for him and everything that I had and continued to do for me, I knew I owed it to him to be honest. When I told him I was dating someone else, he didn’t take it very well. We actually stopped talking for about six months as I do believe I hurt him very badly. I tried to give back the ring but he would not accept it. Working at McD’s became hard again as some of our mutual friends did not appreciate what I did and I could understand that. I attempted to explain that I didn’t feel right in continuing the relationship if I did not feel that way. Some of them began to understand.
That was the first time TF and I took a break.
It was hard to do as I wanted to give him space and time as I could only imagine what he was going through. I gave him his dream and took it away without much notice. I don’t even want to begin to imagine the pain that I must have put him through. Later, he came to tell me that this time was very hard for him.
He made the first contact a few months later and I gladly accepted him back into my life as I felt something was missing from it. We quickly picked up where we left off but he was a little more guarded now, and rightfully so. I had hurt him deeply and I cursed at myself for that. He understood why I did what I did and told me he respected my decision. We moved on….
Although things were different, we both started dating other people but were still very close.
He moved away at one point which made it difficult to see him however we stayed in contact the best we could. He would still be open with me about how he felt towards me regardless of the past and I took comfort in knowing that even after everything that happened he still felt so strongly for me. I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve to have him in my life.
In 2002, I began dating someone else and TF moved to Montreal for work. At this time he was also dating someone for a bit and she went with him. I was very happy to see that he had found someone and I was glad because he told me that she treated him well. We were still close and having him leave was very hard but we had grown a little distant over the last little while.
So he was gone. We didn’t stay in contact when he moved and I eventually moved in with my now ex partner and TF had no idea where I was or how to reach me.
I did miss him at times and wished I could talk to him. I felt my heart break some nights as I lay in bed wondering about him and how he was. I never knew until later how much I desired someone telling me how special I was, how beautiful I was, how important I was to them. TF did all that and now it was gone. I had become dependent on him because when he told me I felt loved and honored. It was an addiction.
Over a year and a half later, I get this urge to get in contact with him. My mom had mentioned to me one day that TF had called but did not ask for my new number even though she had told him that I was living with my partner. I knew he was back from Montreal and set out to find him. I had no idea where he lived nor his phone number, the only contact I had was an old email address. I sent him a message.
Nothing.
Days later…I got an email from him…
To Be Continued…
