Post # 25

I cried for the first time in months tonight…actually the last time I cried I had come to realize that I had lost my best friend.  It is amazing how easy it is to walk down the self-destructive path…and in my minds eye all I see is everything that I hate about me and my life.  I have been doing this a lot lately (criticizing myself) and I can see why I have perhaps stumbled into a bout of depression.

I always considered myself to be a woman with confidence.  I never knew…lol…I never really wanted to believe or admit that I suffered with low self-esteem but as I sit here letting these words come out on the screen, I can without a doubt finally admit to myself that I have self-esteem and self-image issues.

When bad things happen it is so easy for the mind to run with various thoughts, and in almost every case those thoughts are negative and hurtful, whether spoken aloud or heard internally.  Nevertheless, always painful.  It is true what they say that you are your worst enemy but it is probably because most/majority of people do not tell you the truth of what they think about you.  However, if it were the case they would be validating what you already know to be true about yourself.  Besides, it is always easier to believe the bad stuff and it is always easier to dwell on it as well.  Misery loves company even if it is only yourself.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have been dealing with some health issues.  It is always so scary when you never truly know what is going on and fear that it may not be what you or a doctor thinks it is.  My fear is that something is worse then it is and I am too scared to go and find out if my hunch it right.  But why am I so scared if I know that perhaps at the end there is a good chance that my suffering could end?  I fear the possibility of more pain, and I fear that something even worse could be the end result.  But mostly, it is fear.

Due to my health complications I have had to take time off of work.  As much as I needed those days off there were a few were I probably could have gone into the office (highly medicated) but chose not to.  This is something else that I am also dealing with…My lack of interest and committment to my job. I have felt it for a while and always tried to shrug it off but the feelings just don’t seem to subside.  My job is depressing and at times can be very repetitive and I think I have become so desensitized and detached that there is no more feeling inside me.  I am tired of the clients and some of the staff.  I enjoy the thought that I help people every day but I am tired of doing it.  I just feel that I need time for myself, alone time, away from everyone.  I am just going through the motions, not feeling anything.

I feel dead inside.

Although I try to think of all the good in my life and I am so thankful for all of it as I know there is lots, but I am so overwhelmed with these horrible feelings.  I feel alone all the time.  I have never felt like I could really talk to anyone, except really for him, but now that he is gone from my life I have no one.  The only other person is my mom but sometimes I feel with her that I shouldn’t be feeling these things and she does not understand and/or tells me that I shouldn’t feel this way and undermines my thoughts.  Due to always being closed up for majority of my life I have a very hard time opening up and sharing my feelings and because I never shared I never really got to know what my feelings are or how to describe them.  Talking about myself, or feeling like someone really cared went out the window in high school…perhaps even before that.   Its been so long, I forget how to talk about myself to someone else.  However, most people don’t have a problem doing this and naturally I am the kind of person who wants to know, or has that just become my shield.

I miss my friend very much.  I sent him a Merry Christmas text yesterday, not sure if I should or not but did it anyway.  I never received a response back.  I wasn’t really sure if I would but I had hoped.  It still hurts.  He was always the one that could make the negative thoughts go away, not all of them but some.  I have felt that I have needed him the most these last couple of months and for so many years he was always there and now, now when I could use him, he’s not.  When I think about it it makes parts of my body hurt.

Sometimes emotional pain becomes manifested and due to this the body acts out by displaying physiological effects.  I am wondering if perhaps my ongoing physical pain and complications are due to the emotional pains I am presented with. This I am unsure about.

Going back to a few previous comments about my self-esteem and self-image, I have always had issues with both for as long as I can remember.  It is now that I am single and time on my hands per se that my mind begins to wander. I am not going to get into details in this post as I fear that could send me over the edge again tonight and I really don’t want to go back down that path, however in my mind I know exactly what I am thinking.  At times I loathe myself for who I have become and continue to be.  I feel sometimes that I can’t stand the person staring back at me in the mirror.  I get so disgusted with myself.  What’s worse is that despite the hate I feel, I don’t do anything about it.  I think about it and contemplate actions of how to change but in the end my self-destructive patterns prevail and the small inside voice creeps back and begins to fill my mind with self-doubt.   I find myself again in my own pit of despair and much like the cycle of violence my clients have experienced, I also experience a cycle of violence on my own.

But as dead and lonely as I feel inside the physical pain that comes and goes lets me know that my insides are very much alive and perhaps like I said earlier arereally trying to tell me something.  Every now and then I think I should listen but I just want to think that it will all go away and I will become better, no more complications.  I want to apply that thought to all avenues of my life not just my physical health.

Wishful thinking?

Probably.

Until Next Time,

‘ Life – It Is What It Is  ‘

~ Purplehaze81 ~