Post # 26

Please read New Friends…(Part One) and Broken Hearts… (Part Two) before proceeding.

So I received an email from TF and when I saw his name I felt butterflies in my stomach.  It had been so long since we had talked and seen each other and I was anxious to read since we had now reconnected.

I opened the email and quickly read what it said.  I was not surprised when I came to read that he too had been trying to locate me via email.  He mentioned that he could only remember one email address and I obviously no longer used it as I never responded.  So when he checked the website where I had messaged him, he answered.  Now the funny thing was as he pointed out was that the email address I used to contact him was one that he hardly checked anymore.  It was the address that we used a few years back when we did a  blog site together called ‘He said/She Said’.  He said that it was very rare that he checked that account but for some reason he checked the next day and found my email.   We were ecstatic.

We began building on our relationship again.  The difference now was we were both living with our partners at the time, however ironically when he and his partner moved back from Montreal they moved into the complex right next to where I was living so we were now literally a five minute walk.  Interesting.

When we reconnected and started talking again, TF made it pretty clear that he was never 100% honest with his partner about our relationship and how he truly felt towards me.  I never blamed him for not being open about it as I am sure it wouldn’t go over well, but I was more open with my partner about the relationship.  Mr. PH didn’t at all mind, let alone care enough about it. He never felt threatened at all by TF, which I guess made things easier.

Even though there had been some time apart, it did not take long to get back into the usual swing of things and seeing him again was excellent.  It was like we were never apart.  Although we did not spend as much time together, we talked frequently over MSN and really connected through there.

In October 2006, I remember TF asking me to get together for lunch one day.  We met at our usual restaurant and things seemed normal.  The gist of the conversation basically came down to TF wanting to know if I was happy in my relationship and if I felt it was going to last.  Not foreseeing the future obviously, I was content with Mr. PH at the time and told TF this.  When I asked for the reasoning behind his questions, he said that we wanted to make sure I was happy and sticking with Mr. PH as he was thinking of asking his girlfriend to marry him.  He however wanted to double check before he went ahead and asked her the big question that I didn’t see a future for he and I.  I thought about it but I really didn’t.  I loved him as my best friend and knew that I could never feel closer to anyone and the relationship we had was emotionally and intellectually stimulating but I didn’t think that we would ever be more then that.  He understood this and appreciated my honesty.  He asked if I approved of his girlfriend and of his proposal.  I openly said ‘of course’. His happiness meant the world to me even if I couldn’t give him what he truly wanted, I always thought that we would be best friends.

I received a phone call New Year’s Eve right after the ball dropped from TF wishing me a happy new year and letting me know that he proposed to her and she said ‘yes’.  I was very happy for him and wished him all the best.

2007 was an interesting year.    As mentioned in previous posts, I ended up breaking up with my partner and moving out in October. This was a difficult time for me, not necessarily because of the break up but because of the loss of my relationship with my two cats D & D.  Although the break up was amicable and we were on speaking terms at the time  I could see D & D whenever I felt like it.  The open door policy was great but it usually also meant that I had to see him.  At the time things were fine and we hung out every now and then when I would visit.

The funny thing was, was that when Mr. PH and I broke up, TF and I began talking more and getting closer.  We started talking about things that we never talked about before.  Specifically, sex and intimacy.  I was always afraid to talk about that with him as I never wanted to give him the wrong impression or lead him on in anyway.  Did I ever think about it?  Of course.  I thought about it a lot past and present and wondered what it would be like. The conversations were amazing and he was always there for me.  He was great.  There was even an increase in the compliments and attentiveness.  There was even a difference in how we related to each other.  I could honestly say it was like we were together, dating, telling each other everything, feeling everything that couples feel but there was no physical touching.  There was everything else and it felt phenomenal.  He really made my transition back to single hood easier.

November 2007…

TF’s birthday.  I was invited and of course I went.  There were lots of people, most of which I came to find out where his fiancee’s friends and family.  I didn’t know many people and felt a little out of place.  I remember at one point sitting at the dining room table next to TF and for a moment during the evening we were just staring into each others eyes, our arms nearly touching and I remember feeling this comforting aura around us.  He became very self-conscious then as I am sure he didn’t want anyone else to feel or think anything, but despite that, he never moved away from me.  Sometimes I would catch him looking at me and smiling.  Although conscious, I think someone caught on.

This is when things started to get difficult.  The wedding was planned for May 2008.

December 2007…

TF mentioned that he had bought me a Christmas gift.  I quickly searched my mind for what I might be able to get him.  When we spoke about this he asked for something that was from my heart.  My mom got in on this as I asked her for her thoughts and the end result was two pictures…one of TF and I at my prom in ‘99, where he and I are standing in my back yard…good pic, and the other of me at a wedding from ‘05.  I placed them on a piece of purple paper for the background since that was both our favourite colour and around each picture I placed sayings or words about friendship, love and life.  I put the pictures in a double frame and wrapped it.  I really thought he was going to like it.  It was quite personal but my only concern was how would his fiancee interpret this gift…if he decided to show her.  I thought I would leave that to him.

We met for lunch and exchanged gifts.  I opened mine first and it was a MP3 player and I was very excited about that.  I quickly put my gift away thanking him profusely but motioned for him to open his.  So he did. I was wrong.  He didn’t like it.  It was better then that.  He loved it.  I was so happy that he did.  He never told or showed his fiancee my gift.  He told me later that he took the pictures out of the frame and kept the pictures in his bag as that goes everywhere with him.  He thought the frame was too conspicuous.  I had to agree.

On top of my gift to him I also wanted to give him another one.  I decided that I wanted to take him to Stage West to see the show ”70s music as he really loved that time of music.  I wanted to keep this as a surprise so I asked him if he would be able to do dinner and drinks afterward one night.  He said that he would try.  I asked about the 29th and he told me he would let me know but said that it shouldn’t be a problem.  I went and bought the tickets, knowing that he would really appreciate this.

He called me and told me that he would not be able to get together for dinner and drinks.  He never fully explained why except that he and his fiancee got in a huge fight.  He apologized.  I didn’t hear much from him over the next little while despite my attempts to contact him.

I finally received an email letting me know that shit had hit the fan!!!  To sum up, his fiancee was very upset as she felt that TF was purposely trying to not involve her in our friendship as we would meet for lunch together and talk all the time and that the night I had planned sounded very much like a ‘date’ to her.  She was very very upset with him and thus he had to cancel the evening.  I was very upset too.

January 2008…

Despite the fact that I knew he was getting married in five months I suddenly began to see TF a different way.  Once things cooled down with his bride-to-be, things went back to normal except that he requested that we include her more in our friendship.  He said that although he didn’t want to share me with anyone and that he fought hard to keep us two (me and his fiancee) apart, he knew that if he wanted to keep his wife-to-be and his best friend in his life, he would have to begin intertwining us.  He always said he was selfish…lol.  I was fine with this.

Although he said he was going to do this, it never really happened.  We still met for lunch alone and talked via MSN all the time. This is when I decided that I was going to tell him that I started to have deeper feelings for him…

I felt that I had to tell him.  I had been contemplating it in my head for a while but felt that I needed to tell him before the wedding that  I wanted to give ‘us’ a try again.  I wanted to see if this could be the greatest love of all, I wanted to see. I wanted to get physical, or again at least try.  I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know what the outcome of it all would be.  I was honest with him at our lunch meeting and laid it out on the table.  As much as I told him I wanted to try this and see where it would lead, I told him I could not guarantee that it would last.  I had to be fair.  I had to be honest.  I had to try.  I was very nervous. I felt better after I told him and felt very confident.  He sat for a while in silence.  He usually did this when he was thinking hard.  After some time, he spoke and told me he needed time to think.  As much as this opportunity was all he had ever wanted, he had a newly bought house, a wedding that was being planned, a bride-to-be and other attachments that he had to consider.  I told him I understood and I really did as I had now put him in a very awkward and horrible situation, but I felt I had to do it.

Then the day came when he told me he had thought about what I had said and that he had decided…