Post # 27

I am sure by now some of my comments in previous posts have hinted that this story doesn’t have a fairy tale ending…and being the smart cookies that you are, you are right…however the day that I went to meet TF for lunch I never imagined that in a few months my prince would ride away and become only a figure in my memory.  Never in the 10 years that I had known him did I EVER believe that there would come a time where we would no longer talk or be friends, where we would be completely detached and apart….

Let’s begin…

The lunch date was scheduled I believe the end of January, beginning of February 2008, just a few months before the wedding.  I wanted to give him time to think of what he wanted to do before he went ahead and tied the knot and then realized that we were meant to be together.   Some people thought I was wrong in telling him but I felt that TF and I never hid anything from each other regardless of what it was and he had always been so open with his feelings that I only felt that it was fair that I tell him exactly what I was feeling.  So I drove to our lunch date feeling hopeful…

His body language did not give off any hints as he acted the same as always.  His smile was bright and again I felt hopeful.  I guess I always thought that if it ever came down to it, I never felt I had any competition and that I would come out on top….don’t know why I felt so confident and where that came from, but I really thought this date was going to go in a different direction, however, I was in for a little surprise…

So he took a deep breath after we had finished with the pleasantries and we ordered our lunch.  Now remember, he had just moved into his new house with his fiancee,  and majority of the wedding had been planned and guests I believe had already been invited or invitations were being ordered.  He starts…..my heart pounds….this is it….

When TF has something that he really needs to ponder he often closes his eyes and takes moments of silence in order to organize his thoughts and eventually he delivers well composed statments.  He began by indicating that he never thought there would come a day where I felt the same way for him that he had felt towards me for so long.  He said that it felt amazing and that making this decision was very difficult.  He continued by telling me what has happened with his fiancee over the last little while, the house and the wedding plans and that a lot of preparation has gone into everything and to just walk away from that would not be easy whatsoever.  I understood his position and respected the difficulty of this decision.  He continued….his biggest concern and fear with this was that he felt that I could not guarantee him that I would feel this way for the long haul, that in a few months what I was feeling would change or drift away and he didn’t want to give up everything with his fiancee on the chance that I may change my mind.

This caught me off guard and I thought for a moment…

I looked into his eyes and told him I could not guarantee him that and that I don’t think I ever could…I said that I feel what I feel now but I can’t promise it will last forever…

He sighed and nodded his head in agreement…

With that he said that he was going to stay with her and go ahead with the wedding.  Deep down I knew the decision he had come to was right but to hear that I had won second place was hard to swallow….and then he said something surprising…

TF always said that he wasn’t ready for kids and didn’t know if he wanted kids at all but felt that his bride-to-be wanted kids for sure and that starting on the journey may be closer in his future then he would like to admit, however the surprising part was this….he said that after the wedding if I still had the same feelings that I had now, he would consider giving ‘us’ a try.  Ummm….What?! I didn’t understand.  Why would he go ahead and get married, go through all the expenses of the wedding and everything else to eventually walk away if I came to him and said I still wanted him?

I was speechless but a small light flickered somewhere in me…hope!

However, thinking about what he said I had to make one thing clear….I said that if and when she became pregnant regardless of my feelings or ‘our’ feelings, I am out.  I would not want to complicate things when a child was involved.  He understood.

Now he did say a few times when I asked, that he does love her as I asked him why he was going through all this if in the end we were going to end up together.  I got what he was saying because I have been in love with more than one person at one time too.

So we continued our lunch and waited for the big day to come…

I was invited to her bridal shower which shocked me but I went and ended up being the first one there.  She and I talked and got along well.  I really liked her, I thought she had a cool spark in her and could see myself getting along with her. I wanted to be friends.

If you read my previous post, she is the bride-to-be that I smoked up with in February for the first time in a long time.  Had a pretty good time.

May 2008 <– The Wedding…

I invited my mom as my guest as she and TF had been close as we grew up, so I thought it was fitting. Perhaps that was a mistake.

I remember being taken to our seats waiting for the festivities to begin, I started searching the room for TF and across the room, our eyes locked.  He looked fabulous in the suit that we had gone together to pick up a couple months before.  He smiled and nodded, acknowledging my presence.  I smiled and nodded back.

She entered….she looked gorgeous.  She walked down the aisle and my eyes moved back to TF who had a familiar look on his face that I had seen numerous times before.  It was a look of admiration and deep love.  But this time he wasn’t looking at me with that look, he was completely focused on her.  He never took his eyes off of her the entire time and mine never left him.  It was at that time that I realized how much he truly did love her.  In a way it was comforting.

The whole ceremony was beautiful.  Both the groom and the bride looked fantastic.  The guests were even well dressed…like a ball.  Very nice.

Now as I figured, my mom and I were placed at a table quite far away from the head table and unfortunately there was a pilar in front of me so I couldn’t see the bride and groom and thus he couldn’t see me.  Was that delibrate?  Who knows.

So at our table, this was where the cat was let out of the bag and the horrible game of telephone began…

So sitting at our table were friends of the bride, my mom and I the only guests of the groom…again…deliberate?  There were two couples and a single friend with a friend and then us

At one point during dinner, one of the groomsmen that I knew came over and he and I began talking.  I had turned my back to my mom to face him.  The guy sitting next to me at the table was the husband of the bride’s good friend.  He and my mom started talking and I could hear them in the background as I conversed with my friend.  I remember hearing something my mom said to this gentlemen but didn’t think it would bring on complications….well was I ever wrong as that conversation would eventually turn into the catalyst that would eventually bring TF and I to a halt.

So the wedding ends, my mom and I leave.  TF and his new wife go off on their honeymoon for two weeks and I really wished them well.  I missed him so much…

The next time I see TF was the day that my two cats were taken from my home and returned to my ex…June 16th. The way we met was fate….

I was attending a conference that day near his work and decided that I was going to leave early due to the emotional state I was in.  I left and got in my car and sat for a few minutes.  I knew that I didn’t want to go home until after the boys had been taken so I had some time to kill.  I thought that a road trip would be helpful and pass the time.  I was going to drive to Niagara Falls and back. I put my car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot.  I turned onto the street and got into the left turning lane.  I noticed in my rear view mirror a familiar car drive up behind me.  It was TF and he waved.  A smile instantly appeared on my face and my heart skipped.  We drove to a near parking lot and got out of our cars and we wrapped each other in a very close hug. It felt like home.

We talked for a while updating each other on the events that had taken place since the wedding and what I thought of the wedding.  I showed him my emotions regarding my ex and the boys and he was comforting.  He shared his thoughts on his wedding.  The interesting part was he asked me if I had noticed anything about his speech.  I thought for a moment and then said that he never said anything about or to his new wife.  He nodded and said ‘yes’.  I never thought about it before he asked me and I never asked him why he did that but I think we both knew the reason.   We hugged again and then we parted.  Leaving the parking lot that day, I never thought that this brief encounter was going to be the last time I would see him.

Then I got a phone call a couple weeks later…it was him

The following conversation and the events that occurred after would eventually kill what I would come to remember as being a very special part of my soul.