Post # 29

This should be the last post in this five part series of writings.  In the end I hope I have given a very detailed account of my relationship with TF and how he affected my life.  I am sure many readers have thought about why I have written this in such a way where I came across as being conceded, presumptuous and probably a little smug.  The answer….I didn’t write this entirely for them, the readers, I wrote it ultimately for me.  The reason…I needed to release this story so I no longer feel that I own the pain.  I needed to get it out of my thoughts so I may perhaps get to the point of being able to let him go. In saying that, I also wanted to share my story with others, the good and the bad, whomever wants to read it, as all of it was a part of my life, it was a part of me and whether I like it or not, it always will be.

For those of you who have read from the beginning, thank you.  Thank you for taking the time to read my story and share in the events of my life.  I hope you have enjoyed thus far what you have read and I encourage you to continue to read as I post future writings.

Where was I….The phone call…

I was pleasantly surprised when I answered the phone and realized it was him.  I always enjoyed talking to him as he made me smile instantly.  Permagrin, as he called it We started talking about everyday things and then he said he had something that he wanted to ask me.  He started by asking me if I remembered the people that I sat with at the wedding.  I nodded and replied into the phone with a ‘yes’.  The image of the couples and the two friends flashed in my mind’s eye but nothing startling came to mind.  He continued by asking if at any point I remember a conversation happening between my mom and one of the gentlemen at the table.  I thought for a moment and then replied with another ‘yes’.  He took a deep breath and exhaled.  He asjed if I had heard that conversation.  I said ‘no, because I was talking with AM at the time but could hear in the background that they had begun to talk.” “Why” I asked.  TF began to tell me of a specific conversation that my mom had had with this husband and that the basis of that conversation found its way back to his wife.  I was speechless for a moment and asked him to perhaps give me the specifics of said conversation.  Basically, what TF said to me was this…my mom had indicated to this man that TF and I had once dated and that she had hoped that he and I would have got back together. I said that I remember hearing something like that from my mom but I wasn’t 100% sure.  He said that the man that my mom told this too, told his wife, who later went and told TF”s wife.  According to TF, this generated a very heated discussion AGAIN between TF and his wife about TF and I and our past/present relationship. To say the least he said, it was not a great conversation. I didn’t really know what to say. He reassured me that this would not be a big thing and that it would pass over.  I believed him, of course.

There was not much communication between TF and I after that.  Unfortunately, there was a family crisis that TF had to attend to so that took him out of my life for a while.  I remember him telling me about the incident which occurred and his request for some space.  I acknowledged his request and stepped back.  That was July ‘08.

I emailed him every so often letting him know that I was available if he needed anything and to let him know that I was thinking of him during this time.  If I got a response, it would be short and sweet, letting me know he was thinking of me too.  It reassured me that things were okay but it was going to take him some time to come back to his usual self.  I accepted this, of course.

I went on holidays the end of August and sent him an email to see if he could tell me what was up as it had been some time since I had heard from him.  I received a response telling me that he would have a full report to me by the end of the week and he asked how long I was on holidays for.  Excited that I might get to see him while I was off, I responded with a note “three weeks”.  I waited for the update….

It never came.

I emailed him again half way through my holidays to see how he was and if he was able to get together.  I waited anxiously for his response….nothing.  It felt very odd to be away from him that long and I was feeling its affects on me.

I let some time go by as I went back to work and began school again.  I also started dealing with some health issues, so I was preoccupied with my own chaos.

September and most of October went by and nothing.  I was starting to wonder what was going on as I missed him immensely.  Then I started speculating about reasons why he was not responding to me….she was pregnant and he didn’t want to tell me was the best one I could come up with.

Then October 27th came and I opened up my email at work and was surprised to see his name in my inbox with the subject line –> For Your Eyes Only Response

I opened and began reading….

The reason for his response was due to an email that I had sent him the day prior.  I had received a wedding thank you card in the mail and inside were pictures of TF and his new wife.  I decided that this would be a good time to send him a thank you message.  Well, I did just that and I added a few lines.  I said that I had noticed that we were no longer talking and that I probably would not get an explanation as his behaviour had shown me that this was true.  I also asked that I needed some closure whatever that looked like.  Well, guess I was wrong…

(for the purpose of his confidentiality, I am only going to share pieces of his email)

For those who had hoped for a glimpse of HIS side of the story, here is some of it….

“You’ve never stopped being my best friend.  And believe me I know how painful this silence is.  I should know because I’ve created it.  The reason we’re no longer talking is because I’m quite ashamed of what originally happened, how I dealt with it, and the type of situation it has created.  I’m still fighting with the fact that I haven’t told you what happened or why.  So here it is.”

“By June of this year I had returned from my honeymoon and was starting to settle back into the routine of things.  I had my wife’s birthday coming up to plan an event for, and things seemed to be going well.  We were still talking quite frequently at that point.  I think you’ll remember that within two weeks of my return, I called you to ask you about something that your mother and my wife’s friends were talking about at my wedding.  Well it seems my wife got it in her head to be highly suspicious of the whole thing. ”

[the family crisis then happened]

“…I believe I called you to tell you what the situation was [in regards to the family crisis], and you as always made it very clear that you would be there for me no matter what.  Well at some point during our communication together, she came across a message from you indicating that you were thinking about me and that you missed me.  This threw her over the edge.”

[one evening TF's wife asked him point blank what was going on between he and I.] “I indicated nothing that I know of, please be more specific.  That was the wrong thing to have said.  She indicated that I needed to stop lying to her and come clean.  Still unclear I denied anything was going on.  Despite anything I could have said to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, it ended up being a very heated night.”

“…She was upset about having to share her husband with someone.  She was upset with the fact that despite her best intentions to try to get to know you better, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t able to provide me with the very thing you could.  She was upset that I had gone out of my way to not include her in our friendship, and it only perpetuated her feeling that I’d been living a separate life.  She as my wife should be able to provide me with everything that I need.  She was upset about the types of messages that were being sent between us, and it doesn’t matter how good of friends we were, the messages that were being sent were inappropriate, and wouldn’t have been expressed if she had been there in person and we had spoken them live.  By the end of the night our marriage had come into question, the reason I married her, and whether or not she should stay with me.”

“When I proposed to her, I decided that I was making a move for the best outcome.  Coming to terms on the chapters of my life that would now close as a result was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through emotionally.  The night my wife confronted me I had to make a decision in order to save my marriage.  There was no ultimatum from her.  Only the very awkward position I had walked into.  I had to choose between continuing to have you as close to me as I always have or lose my wife.  I now live with my choice daily.  I chose to make my marriage work.  Or at least to try.”

“I wasn’t willing to come to terms with the fact that my closeness to you was hurting my wife.  I don’t have any person I would consider being as close to me as you or my wife.  If you were male, it might have been different, but you’re not.  And having been in love with you previously, it’s hard to say that any feeling that I may have had for you or you may have had for me wouldn’t have created further awkward feelings in my marriage.  The comments by your mom really set things off, but there probably wouldn’t have been any comments unless it were true in some fashion.  The night my decision was made, I had a part of me die.  I had lived my life knowing that I would let nothing come between you and I, and now I had to make that decision.  At that point I fell off the map.  In fact since then I haven’t made it back on the map…”

[TF threw a birthday party for his wife and had some friends over...the gentleman that my mom had talked to at the wedding was there with his wife]

“…The gentleman that your mom was talking to decided to call me out in front of [everyone] and ask me what was going on between you and I.  The way your mother made it seem was that things between us never stopped.  The entire party went silent waiting for my response.  My response was tactful.  Very careful of my words I indicated something along the lines of it not being appropriate for him to call me out, however if he was that interested he should then know that there is nothing for him or anyone else to worry about for that matter.  I turned around and walked inside and really didn’t talk very much the rest of the night.”

“…No one knows my side of the story and it’ll probably die with me.  When I said a part of me died I wasn’t joking.  I am not the same person I was before all this went down.  I’ve become much more cynical and a lot less friendly.  I beat myself up frequently over the fact that I haven’t told you what why when and where.  The only reason for me not telling you is because I didn’t know how, and I was very much afraid of the outcome.  My selfish reasoning.  Somehow I could still imagine the reassuring smile you always have, and that wouldn’t need to be replaced if I didn’t tell you.  There were so many times that I sat down and started writing, but never sent it. My wife has asked if I had told you what happened.  I kept telling her that I planned to, but I never did.  She seemed surprised that there was no further communication between us.  What she didn’t know was that I’d already told you in one way or another that I needed the space.”

“So here we are well over 120 days since we last talked.  This new life is something I have to come to terms with but it’s not going to be easy.  That night, I closed a lot of doors that I probably won’t see opened again.  I do think about you a lot, but am hurt every time I do because I know what I did to put myself in this position.  Fate has a fucked up way of dealing with me and the decisions that I make in my life. I do feel alone a lot of the time.”

“Don’t get me wrong, she is my wife and I do cherish everything that she has been able to do for me and will continue to do for me.  The problem is that I really feel lost now.  It bothers me that I have no idea of where you are or how you are doing, or if there is anything I can do to help.  Every day something happens that I would love to tell you about.  SO that means every day I’m hit by the reality that I can’t.”

“You aren’t some girl I just met, you aren’t some acquaintance I’ve known for a while.  You aren’t my best friend….you aren’t even my sister…you ARE a part of me.  If you hurt then I hurt, if you’re happy then I’m happy.  If I thought about you, you appeared in one form or another.  There were times I could just think of you and it would keep me calm as I was going through hell.  Lately I have had to force myself away from all of that because I don’t have you around any more as a result of my negligence and inability to adapt.  I’ve had to reprogram myself.  Somehow [my wife] was right and I wasn’t listening nor did I want to.  You have been filling a void she could not.  I also wasn’t giving her the opportunity to do so.  She is now my wife and technically that void belongs to her.  It’s going to take a long time for anyone to fill your shoes, if anyone ever could do such a thing.  She’s asking for a fair chance to be my wife and to give me a marriage that is fulfilling.  Finally she’s called on me to realize that we can’t do that with you in my life.”

“So…I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I let things get so crazy and fucked up around us.  I’m sorry that I broke my personal oath to not let anyone come between us.  I’m sorry to have taken your best friend hostage with no word of how to get him back or even if he was alright.  I’m sorry I didn’t even give you a chance to fight.  I’m so very sorry. I tried to do what I thought was right and as a result have reserved myself to live with my decision and whatever pain it may bring me.”

“I don’t know what closure is at this point, so I’m not sure if I’ve been able to grant you any.  What I do know is that now you have to feel the pain I’ve been feeling, and that I’ve probably made you very angry with me.  My wife called me as I was writing this to you.  She asked me what was wrong…all I could say was that it had been a very long day.”

- TF

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

So what do I do?

I backed out of his life and haven’t seen or talked to him since June ‘08.

I still feel the pain, I still own the pain and I have yet to get him out of my thoughts. Like he said ‘I am a part of him’, and he will always be a part of me.

Twin Flames Forever.

I love you.

I miss you.