Post #38
Wow 38 posts…it seems like a lot but over three years it really doesn’t seem that big at all. I think I need to start writing more…but the thing is is that I feel I need to have stuff happen in my life to write about it. I just can’t sit down and post about my day or some minute thing…I don’t feel there is enough substance for a post to be created but perhaps it is something I need to try to find out. What do you think?
So here I am starting chapter nine of this series and shaking my head because I seriously thought that this story ended at chapter five. I mean you have no idea how thankful I am that it didn’t and that I ended up having material to write chapters six thru eight and hopefully even after writing this chapter I will be able to continue telling my story to you the readers about TF and I. Let’s Hope.
So TF and I had our first real kiss. I made him aware of how I was feeling, that he was the right man for me and that I would be open to giving ‘us’ a try. I put all that in his lap and indirectly said that I wanted to know what he was going to do with it all. Meaning I was hoping that he was going to say that he wants to be with me and will be looking into separating from his wife, but I didn’t get anything like that from him except that he needed time to digest what I had just thrown at him. I let it go.
The following day I left for a week’s vacation with SW (the bff) to go up North. Of course TF said that he would check in but wanted me to enjoy my trip and would leave it up to me to contact him when I could. I knew that I would stay connected via texting with him so I left looking forward to the break and taking in the smells and sights of Simcoe Country.
I won’t get into my trip because it is irrelevant with regards to TF and I but the reason I mentioned the trip in the first place was because half way through my week TF and I hit a wall. Not literally but figuratively speaking. For the first 3.5 days we would talk pretty much from morning to night with a few breaks in between but I kept him up to date on all the activities I was participating in. Aug 17th I had decided that I wanted to know more about how he was feeling and what he was thinking of doing about ’our’ situation. As mentioned before TF and I talk about everything so I knew I could be honest about how I was feeling and with everything that I felt had gone on between us I wanted some reassurance that he was thinking about doing something.
So we started talking about it. I can’t remember verbatim but I just remember him saying that he thinks it might be a good idea if we took a step back and not text as much as we were. He hinted that he does not do ultimatums well and I had to let him know that I was not giving him one I just wanted something – what it was that I wanted I really didn’t know. He said that I should go and enjoy my trip and we would talk when I returned that Sunday. The idea of losing him again hit me hard and I had to go outside the cabin that I was staying at and stood on the deck. I re-ran the entire conversation through my head (over thinking) and I could feel myself trying to hold back the tears. What had I done? What was it that I wanted so badly? Why did I feel this overwhelming need to know what he was going to do about us? The tears came and I tried really hard to hide it from SW. I didn’t want her to worry about me, I didn’t want this to ruin our trip, I didn’t want to be going through this again. She left for alone for a while as I stood there crying but eventually she came out and gave me support.
After some down time and a talk with SW I texted TF again and told him that I can’t do this again and that we need to figure this out. A conversation begun and it ended with TF and I on good terms again. I told him that I would not pressure him and that he can take the time that he needs to figure out what he needs to do and that I will give me space to do that. He thanked me. We were happy again and my trip continued with TF in the back of my mind always.
I returned home a day earlier than expected but needed some time to decompress after the week that I had. TF and I agreed that we would get together on the Sunday since that was originally the day that I was coming home and we wanted to see each other. We went out for dinner that evening and things between us were fine. We kissed again at the end of the date and I could feel that he wanted more of a kiss but I kept it very simple. We agreed to meet again the next night for dinner for well.
The following day I went out with my mom and I had to get a birthday card for SW and I know that her favourite cards are the Between You and Me cards so I had to go to hallmark. I told my mom everything that had happened between TF and I and she said that I should also pick up a card for TF as well, she had read my mind. So off to hallmark we went. She helped me pick out a card for SW but the one she liked for TF I wasn’t sold on it so I picked the one that I thought was the most fitting. It was a soul mate card and I loved it.
Now I can’t remember when he sent this to me but TF has a way of giving me little gifts. I was at work one day and he and I had talked. He texted me the work RAWR! and I had no clue what he meant so I asked him. He sent me this picture (below)
I fell in love all over again with TF. What a gesture with one single word. So here I sat back in my work chair staring at my computer screen thinking – is TF telling me he loves me? He doesn’t feel he can come out and say it but by saying RAWR instead is he conveying his love for me? I wrote RAWR back. It has now become a staple in our communication.
Moving on…So I wrote in TF’s card and told him that he was my soul mate. From almost the beginning of our friendship we, actually he had discovered something called “Twin Flames“ and knew from the moment of seeing and reading it that he and I were exactly that, twin flames. I was so excited to give him the card because he was actually the first person ever to give me a Between You and Me card back in 1999, so I wanted to do something for him. We met for dinner at Turtle Jack’s and I slid the card across the table. He looked puzzled but accepted the card with no hesitation. Opening it I could see his eyes sparkle and I just could not stop smiling. He read the card, put it down and looked at me. Thank you was what he said and I knew it had touched him. The card actually sparked a conversation about soul mates and twin flames and how rare it is to find them. I think we both felt at that moment very connected. I was so glad he liked the card.
PSYCHIC PARTY –> Aug 27th I was hosting a psychic party and this would be the second time I was hoping TF would come up in my reading. The first time was in April 2010 when I saw BR (the psychic) for the second time and at the end of my reading I had asked BR to tell me how TF was doing. BR said that he is committed and is doing okay. That made me feel at ease since we had not been in contact at that point for some time. This time I was hoping my reading would be different. I met with BR for my reading and wanted to go in with no expectations. I wanted to see if TF would come up naturally but of course I was so eager to know that I ended up telling BR that there was a new man in my life. She asked me for his name and date of birth, both of which I gave to her. She again said that he is in a committment and I told her that he was married. She did not looked surprised. She continued to say that he is a man who needs time to figure things out and that he is slow-moving. She said that he and I will probably have a ‘blow out’ around Christmas time because I will be getting impatient and wanting him to make some decisions. BR indicated that he will leave his wife but not as fast as I would like him too. She said it will take him about a year to get out of the marriage. He does love you is what she said to me and that this (being him and I) have a very strong connection. She said that in order for me to be convinced of his feelings for me she said that he needs to show me actions, he needs to walk the talk. TF came over the following afternoon and I told him what she had said. Now when telling him everything she said I didn’t know what he was going to think or say. When I was done and he thought for a moment, the thing he said that concerned him the most was this fall out that we were going to have at Christmas. He said he will do whatever to make sure that doesn’t happen. WOW. He said that he doesn’t want to hurt me or lead me on but he does need time to figure things out and to do that he does need to stay where he is. He just doesn’t want to get up and leave the marriage because he is not sure of the repercussions of doing that and what she (his wife) might do. A whole other conversation developed when he stated that.
He spoke about his wife and more about his marriage and that she had made comments about harming him if he ever left her. After thinking about everything that he had told me about her and how she treated him. I told him that I think she is being abusive. His response “You would know” considering I work in the social work field. I don’t think he was overly surprised at what I had said but now I was even more concerned for him. I suggested that he seek professional support and mentioned that he look into the EAP program through his work. He agreed to do this. I told him that because I am emotionally connected to him, I can’t be objective with my points of view so I felt that someone who is not involved in our scenario would be able to offer suggestions on how he can go about leaving his wife. Yes I said it, TF is thinking of leaving his wife. Now – to be clear and TF and I spoke about this. He is not leaving her to be with me. Yes that is a reason but a small one. We agreed that he needs to leave because his marriage is no longer healthy and that he needs to find himself again. I said that once he leaves we will not date right away but give him time to get things sorted and worked out. The whole separation/divorce thing is overwhelming and I would not want to do or say anything that would make this situation any more complicated than it already is. TF seemed happy with my response. I told him I would give him my support in any way that he needed it.
I invited TF over to my place and I was going to cook him dinner. We had talked about what we both liked to cook and he said that he makes the best lasagna ever so I needed to test that theory, so I told him I was going to make him my lasagna. He came over that Wed night and the lasagna was ready but I had put the bread in after which ended up making the lasagna warm, not hot but warm and I didn’t think about putting it in the microwave (duh!). He had come over after work and was dressed very nice and smelled good. We hugged in my kitchen and he held me tightly. We kissed softly and then started talking about our day. Wow, it almost seemed like we were a couple.
He had developed a headache when we sat down to eat and he actually didn’t eat much. He said my lasagna was good but of course said that I would have to have his to compare. He ended up on the couch not feeling the best and he felt so bad. I told him not to worry about it. Before I knew it, I was lying up again him, stretched out on the couch. WOW – even more contact. He wrapped his arms around me and I just fit into his body like a missing puzzle piece. I asked him how long it had been since he had snuggled with anyone like that and he said that it had been too long, like a year and a half. He held me close and I placed my arms around him and we both just stayed there for a while. It was phenomenal. It felt magical. He kissed the top of my head and when I asked about his headache he said that being here with me like this has made it go away. I didn’t dare move. I didn’t want to anyway. We talked and laughed and just had a good snuggle. I didn’t want to get up when he said he had to go. I didn’t want him to leave. I walked him to the door already feeling cold from the lack of his embrace and I looked at him. He was putting his shoes on and I felt this sudden urge to get him to take them back off and stay for a while. But I know he had to get home, so I let him continue. He kissed me goodbye and he left. Shortly after he texted me saying “leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do all day.” I nodded my head and texted back “RAWR!”
