Post #37
As I hope you can see this post is part eight, so I would suggest that if you want to continue reading that you go and find parts one thru seven before scrolling down…
Thank you.
So I finally get home and the thoughts had not stopped nor had the tears. I was saying goodbye to TF for the second time and I was not happy about that. It was not supposed to go that way.
I had lost him again…
The pain of the loss and the familiar void I knew all too well enveloped me instantly. I felt it all wash over me as I played back the scene in my mind’s eye of him and I in his car saying goodbye. Why didn’t we fight? Why didn’t we try to salvage what we both thought was so unique? Why was I so hurt when I knew that sending that email to him could have been the thing that led us to our demise and yet I was so stunned that we actually said goodbye (again). What world was I living in where I didn’t think good byes could happen more than once? I was living in a world where I thought he would come to his senses and chase after me – like I live in hollywood right? Where two people come together, have a great romance, get into a fight, they part and he realizes what he had and tries to win her back, which he does and their lives come together magically and (poof ) utopia is reached. But nope, I live in flippin’ Ontario where people meet, hearts break, people part, and stay apart and lives go on, there are no white knights and very seldom happy endings, just struggle. Depressed? I am.
I told myself that I would think about it again tomorrow and I curled up in my bed and I eventually fell asleep.
Got to work the next day and turned my computer on. The instant messaging application that TF and I used daily popped up and for the first time I clicked ‘disconnect’. I sat for a moment and stared at my screen. I missed talking to him already. I missed the first ding of him saying good morning. I missed the anticipation of his replies. I missed everything. Fuck it – I hit connect.
He was online as usual as I know that I am not the only one he communicates with on this application. He however is my only contact on there. LOL – what does that say about me? Anyways, I sent him a short message testing the waters. My heart raced. I anxiously waited to see if he would reply – but knowing him as I felt I did I knew that he would and he did. We spent a lot of the time talking about how we were feeling about that night and we both agreed that we were hurting from the separation A LOT. We said that we missed one another. I told him I wanted to work things out and keep our friendship alive. He said that he would like that. We both ended up saying that we can’t live without the other no matter what. We brought our friendship back to life…again…
So normalcy returned. TF and I had our full circle moment and I for one was not wanting to go through another one. I felt elated again. I went on some more dates with guys I met online but again nothing panned out and TF was always there with his listening ears and open heart. He continued telling me things about his marriage, what was going on and how unhappy he was. I supported him as much as I could but I could feel his heavy heart. I came to the conclusion that I wanted him out. Out of the marriage. It hurt me knowing how upset he was despite his efforts to make the marriage work, but as always he put on a smiley face to the outside world but battled the demons on the inside alone.
I went out with SW my BFF (best female friend) August 6th and I ended up having a little too much to drink. Her and I decided to wear dresses, something I never do but wanted to do something different for a change and I looked HOT!!! Anyways, one of the guys I had seen a few times (yes I was seeing more than one at that time) was known to go to this place I was at so I decided that I was going to text him to meet me there so we could have some fun. Now before I continue I think it is important to point out that when I get a little drunk, tipsy, whatever I tend to become hot and bothered (if you know what I mean) and need/want some affection/intimacy. Now I am not the type who will just sleep with anyone (I do have morals you know) but I had been on a few dates with this one guy, I will call him BS (no, not bullshit – although it is fitting) and we had some good sexual chemistry. SO I texted him. No reply – not surprised because he was known to not answer his texts right away.
My mind went to TF. Hrmmm…..could I get him to come out? If he did what would I do? I looked good so I want TF to see me as I always feel attractive when he is around….I texted TF. He replied. Of course he did because he is reliable, take that BS. I invited TF to the bar I was at. He couldn’t make it. I was disappointed, so I told him I looked hot hoping to entice him. He replied “You always do.” AWWWWWWWWW. Even though he again said he couldn’t make it I let him off the hook just because of his comment. LOL. but really what was I going to do? Nothing. I told TF I would message him when I got home, TF said ok.
I got home and into bed. I message TF and we started talking. He knew I was drunk and whether it was the alcohol or not I started texting with him about wanting him with me. I even asked him “if you were here what would you do to me?” Now here I was thinking that he was going to come back with some sexy lines about doing this or that and in my head I was actually picturing him in my doorway staring at me while I lie there but being the clever bugger that he is he turned it around on me and said ”If I was there what would you want me to do to you?” GRRRRR…..not what I wanted to read but he was playing it safe and smart…so now how do I answer? I didn’t hesitate, I told him exactly what I would want to have done to me and he went with it…it was pretty hot and at the end I thanked him and laughed about the situation and said to him “you know that we just sexted?” (a word that I thought I was clever enough to think of, but of course it was already out in the texting world so not my invention apparently), he said that he knew and replied “that is what friends are for” and that he was glad he could help me out. Man what a friend, but little did I know that our friendship was going to be taken to another level seven days later…
I had thought about TF and how he came through for me that night and the multiple other nights he came through for me. WOW was I ever lucky to say that I had someone in my life who when he could would never let me down no matter what. He was someone very special to me and his actions as I looked back on all those times he made an effort to make me happy reconfirmed that very sentiment. I had never known a man like him. I had never been treated and respected by any man like I was by him. He was everything I wanted and looked for in a partner and more. He was my everything. How stupid I had been.
TF and I decided to meet for dinner one night. I had thought all day about kissing him and what that would mean if I did. Would he kiss me back? He picked me up in his car and when I got in all I could smell was his cologne. He smelled amazing. I wanted to jump him there but something kept me from doing that. The awkward silence or discomfort that could come after I did that perhaps? So I let him drive off and we decided on where we wanted to go. All evening I kept looking at him trying to figure out the best possible approach and time for this ‘kiss.’ I was nervous, I could feel it. TF and I hadn’t kissed since we dated in 2000 but I knew that this kiss was coming from a place within me and I needed to know how I felt about him and I thought that a kiss would tell me a lot. I obsessed about it but kept my focus on our evening and dinner which was not that great btw.
For those that don’t know, I am an over thinker. Which means that when I go through a situation whether directly or indirectly I process it all in my head. Sounds normal right? Well I’m not. I take the situation and run it through my brain continuously. I hypothesize what I think others meant when they said this or that or when they did this or that and I come to conclusions that are never based on fact but I believe that what I think is the truth and this so-called truth becomes my reality and then I start to think about those self-fabricated truths and I run another scenario which in turns produces another….and so on and so on…sounds fun right? Not so much.
So we finish eating. The cheque comes and without hesitation he decides to pay – what a gentleman. So I tell him that I will meet him by his car and he nods and goes to pay. I walk out to the car and lean up against his trunk/back end thinking that when he comes out I am going to try to lure him over to me and kiss him. Ok so how do I lure? He walks out and our eyes lock. Ok TB this is it, now with eye movements only tell him you want to kiss him. TB tries this and she thinks its working as he is looking and walking straight towards her keeping her gaze…is he aware of what I want to do? Will he kiss me too? So he walks up close to me and I chicken out…I move away…he wasn’t going to kiss me I don’t think but there was something there. I could feel it…he started walking to my side of the car and then stopped and went back to the driver’s side, that was weird I thought - was he going to open my door for me? That would have been nice. Was he going to try to kiss me? I didn’t know but I could feel the awkwardness in the air and we both just laughed, both not really sure what we were laughing at.
He drove me home and I invited him upstairs. He parked and came up. We went out on my balcony and for the longest time we just stood looking at the moon. I told him how the psychic that I see told me that I should not make major decisions 2 days before and 2 days after a full moon. He found that interesting. So did I considering I was standing there contemplating when to kiss him. LOL. A major decision indeed.
I was standing about 2 – 3 feet away from him and I could feel something – I am not sure what it was but it was almost like I could sense that he wanted to kiss me. We kept looking at each other and at one point I had moved closer to him and he closed his eyes. I just wanted him to take me in his arms and kiss me. Just do it already! But like usual TF and I did what we always do – we talked about it. Yes we did. I told him what I had thought about all night and what I wanted to do. He was intrigued by this and confessed that the thought entered his mind on more than one occasion that evening. He continued saying that he wasn’t sure how I would react if he had kissed me and what that would mean. I agreed with him. I even said to him “Just do it” at one point but he didn’t. I don’t know if he knew what I was referring to. I took the matter into my own hands, stepped over to him, he had his arms crossed and when I got closer to him he closed his eyes. I placed my lips on his and we kissed.
He moved his hand to my cheek and caressed it softly. He pulled my face a little more into his so our lips pushed even more together. It was nice. We parted. We each took a breath because apparently both of us had stopped breathing. I could see that he was in shock but he had a smile on his face. I felt better, freer if you will.
We talked about the kiss. Of course we did because that is what TF and I do. LOL. He had sat down at this point across from me. We shared our thoughts and we both agreed that it was a nice kiss. We stared at each other for a bit, saying things here and there. He told me after a few minutes that it took everything within his being not to grab me and pull me close to him. I told him I would like that. He looked at me, processing everything that I had said and what we had just done and for a few moments there was silence. Then from him came the question, ”what has changed?”
I stood there in front of him just looking at him. Taking him in while my mind raced for the answer. He was right in asking me that question. Up to that point he knew that I only saw him as my best male friend. I had always been very clear that he and I would never be more than just friends. I had told him that I wasn’t attracted to him and here I was tonight kissing him and telling him he can pull me close into him. What was I doing to this poor man? Confused? I would say. Is my head on right? What has changed?
I took a breath and answered. I said something like this…”I have gone out with many guys, all of whom have been wrong for me. You are right for me. You have and are everything I want and I never realized it until now. I want to be with you. I want to give ‘us’ a shot. I can’t guarantee anything but I am open to trying.”
He said nothing. I could see his mind working away at what I had just said. I was giving him the opportunity he had wanted so many years ago and I again was putting myself out there knowing that he could walk away…again…however with the kiss and my answer to his question I was hoping that he could feel the difference. I actually prayed that he did.
