Post #31

Helllloooooooo, and where have you been?  Who me? Yes you! Well, what can I say…it truly has been a long time since I posted and there is absolutely no excuse from my laziness.

The last post I wrote which I reviewed only yesterday made me laugh because at the end I started mentioning a new guy in my life…???…ummmm, who was that now?  Obviously not who I thought he was going to be.  If I remember correctly, he was in and out of my life so fast it didn’t feel like anything at all.  So, that won’t take up too much of my thoughts.

But, I can say with more certainty that there is a new beau in my life and has been for about 8 months now.  Now this is a bit of an interesting/uncommon story, I think anyway, and by other people’s comments as I tell them about our relationship, my assessment is not that far off…so let me begin…

Post # 29

This should be the last post in this five part series of writings.  In the end I hope I have given a very detailed account of my relationship with TF and how he affected my life.  I am sure many readers have thought about why I have written this in such a way where I came across as being conceded, presumptuous and probably a little smug.  The answer….I didn’t write this entirely for them, the readers, I wrote it ultimately for me.  The reason…I needed to release this story so I no longer feel that I own the pain.  I needed to get it out of my thoughts so I may perhaps get to the point of being able to let him go. In saying that, I also wanted to share my story with others, the good and the bad, whomever wants to read it, as all of it was a part of my life, it was a part of me and whether I like it or not, it always will be.

For those of you who have read from the beginning, thank you.  Thank you for taking the time to read my story and share in the events of my life.  I hope you have enjoyed thus far what you have read and I encourage you to continue to read as I post future writings.

Where was I….The phone call…

Post # 27

I am sure by now some of my comments in previous posts have hinted that this story doesn’t have a fairy tale ending…and being the smart cookies that you are, you are right…however the day that I went to meet TF for lunch I never imagined that in a few months my prince would ride away and become only a figure in my memory.  Never in the 10 years that I had known him did I EVER believe that there would come a time where we would no longer talk or be friends, where we would be completely detached and apart….

Let’s begin…

The lunch date was scheduled I believe the end of January, beginning of February 2008, just a few months before the wedding.  I wanted to give him time to think of what he wanted to do before he went ahead and tied the knot and then realized that we were meant to be together.   Some people thought I was wrong in telling him but I felt that TF and I never hid anything from each other regardless of what it was and he had always been so open with his feelings that I only felt that it was fair that I tell him exactly what I was feeling.  So I drove to our lunch date feeling hopeful…

Post # 26

Please read New Friends…(Part One) and Broken Hearts… (Part Two) before proceeding.

So I received an email from TF and when I saw his name I felt butterflies in my stomach.  It had been so long since we had talked and seen each other and I was anxious to read since we had now reconnected.

I opened the email and quickly read what it said.  I was not surprised when I came to read that he too had been trying to locate me via email.  He mentioned that he could only remember one email address and I obviously no longer used it as I never responded.  So when he checked the website where I had messaged him, he answered.  Now the funny thing was as he pointed out was that the email address I used to contact him was one that he hardly checked anymore.  It was the address that we used a few years back when we did a  blog site together called ‘He said/She Said’.  He said that it was very rare that he checked that account but for some reason he checked the next day and found my email.   We were ecstatic.

Post # 25

I cried for the first time in months tonight…actually the last time I cried I had come to realize that I had lost my best friend.  It is amazing how easy it is to walk down the self-destructive path…and in my minds eye all I see is everything that I hate about me and my life.  I have been doing this a lot lately (criticizing myself) and I can see why I have perhaps stumbled into a bout of depression.

Post # 24

Please read New Friends… (Part One) before proceeding.

So my prince had arrived.  Unfortunately as much as I knew he was everything that I wanted, there was something missing.  From the first moment we meet, I knew what it was.  It was that spark.  That internal feeling of utopia that a person gets when the ‘one’ walks into a room.  That captivating urge to be next to them at all times so you can inhale the smell of their skin.  That burning desire to hold them close to you so as to embrace every piece of them and fall helplessly into a realm of euphoria.  I didn’t feel that for TF.  He was amazing, he was my great friend but I did not have romantic feelings for him.  This was hard for me to understand as the kind of guy I always wanted and felt I deserved was right in front of me holding out his hand for me to take.  I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be attracted to him, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t convince myself to be.  For a time I thought that perhaps those feelings could grow…eventually, and with that I attempted to give it a shot.

Post #23

Part One…

My apologies for taking my sweet ass time in getting posts up on here.  The last while has not been the best for me as I have been dealing with some health issues.  However, since things are a little more under control now and my thoughts on this upcoming topic keep invading my mind, I knew I had to get it out and thus here I am again.

Now I need to forewarn you that this post and the one(s) following will be a bit lengthy as there is much history in this writing but I do hope to intrigue you throughout this so as not to lose your interest.  I have put this into parts.

My biggest dilemma is figuring out where to start.  I know most common responses would be ‘Why not start at the beginning?’ but I am having a little difficulty with that right now….I don’t know why. So I will start with this….

Have you ever been loved by someone so much that you felt like you were the ONLY person in their world?  Have you ever felt so protected when you were with someone that no matter what you forever felt safe?  Have you ever had someone gaze into your eyes and without words told you how much you meant to them?  Has someone ever made you feel  like you were the most beautiful person in the world and that no one else but you mattered?  I answer YES to all of the above.  These are just some of the ways I felt throughout the last 10 years of my life with him… and for the rest of this post he will be known as TF.

The prompting of this post tonight actually came from me finishing the book ‘Twilight’.  As I read about Bella and Edward it greatly affected me and reminded me so much of how TF was towards me and how much TF reminded me of Edward’s character…his gentleness and passion towards Bella to name only two.  If you read that last sentence carefully you would have noticed that I used the word “WAS“, which indicates that TF and I are no longer….connected.

The separation between us is still fresh even though it has been six months since we last spent time together.  I still deal with what has occurred daily and I think that is also a reason why it has taken me so long to write this.  My relationship with TF is VERY difficult to define and to explain what I mean by that could take a long time and much consideration and thinking on my part.  TF always had a better way of explaining somewhat of the kind of connection we had. We always said that most people would not understand and when we tried to explain it it never came out right but I think we both enjoyed the idea that it was really only he and I who really knew and understood it.   To clarify…TF and I were never together as a couple…correction…we dated for about two weeks in 2000….which I will get to in the next part, but we started out as close friends which grow into something even greater and even more fulfilling.

Post #11

or maybe I am naive, or maybe I project what was instilled in me as I was growing up. Any way I look at it I am still in bewilderment about this.

As aforementioned in a previous post I ranted about online guys constantly being driven by sexual thoughts and openly asking me provocative questions or stating sexual comments. I again found myself in a similar conversation today and now I am really wondering if it is perhaps me that needs to change my belief and value system.

Growing up my mom spoke pretty negatively about sex and sexual intercourse and always made petting and cuddling the thing that she enjoyed most. As children we absorb what our parents teach us and in some ways we take these messages and later incorporate them into what we experience as we get older. Sex was never something that my family openly talked about and perhaps is the reason for my heightened curiousity as a young teen. I was very secretive with my sex life because I felt that if my mom found out she would be very disappointed and this thought would have shattered me. I was also taught as a young girl getting into the so-called ‘dating’ scene that guys for the most part are only out to have sex with me. This lovely comment was said to me by my dad numerous times and for some weird reason I always had an image come to mind of him trying to sleep with and seduce my mom….gross! lol